Wine Pairing Advice For The “Men’s Health Top 10 Worst Foods in America”

Disclaimer: Following the food and wine pairing advice below involves ingesting large amounts of calories, fats, carbohydrates and sodium and is not recommended for those suffering from heart disease, hypertension, or renal or hepatic disease! Side effects may include nausea, upset stomach, dizziness, weight gain, loss of sex drive, and obesity!

American’s are overweight. As a nation, our obesity rate is very high, especially compared to other industrialized nations. Not surprising, the rate of Type-II diabetes, heart disease, and a handful of other serious ailments, is through the roof. Our poor health can be attributed to the combination of an overall lack of physical activity and poor diets - many of us eat 2 or more meals at fast food or other PNLP (Poor Nutrition Large Portions) establishments. It’s far more convenient to pick up carry out food, run through a fast food window, or head to the local neighborhood diner than to prepare a healthy meal at home. Unfortunately, these meals out (which often involve large portion sizes filled with 2-3 times the daily requirement for calories, fats, carbs and sodium) may be one of the biggest problems when it comes to our obesity rates as a country.

Recently I saw a thread on another forum (thanks TW!) about the article in Men’s Health magazine outlining the 20 worst foods in America. It got me thinking about how bad some people really treat their bodies - being a PhD student in physiology, I understand pretty well the strain they are putting on their heart, arteries, liver and kidneys (to name a few) by consuming such large amounts of calories, fats and sodium on a consistent basis. We’re all going to eat a meal filled with carbs and fats on occasion, the key is moderation. Frankly, it upsets me a lot that many people eat this stuff daily and have no clue what they are really doing to their bodies and those who are informed, just don’t care!

Luckily, the caring scientist in me gave way to the food and wine enthusiast, and I decided “hey, if they are going to eat this stuff, I can at least recommend a good wine to go with each dish!” And here you have it: my recommended wine pairings for each dish in the top 10 of the list. As I consider eating these foods to be “going all out”, I “went all out” in my wine pairings…some of these bottles retail for more than $50…but hey, life’s too short (especially if you eat this stuff frequently) to not to drink the good stuff!

The List: http://www.menshealth.com/eatthis/20worst.html

10. Bob Evans Caramel Banana Pecan Cream Stacked and Stuffed Hotcakes - 1,540 calories - 77 g fat (9 g trans fat) - 198 g carbs (109 g sugar): Number 10 on the list comes to us from one of America’s favorite breakfast houses. Bob Evans loaded pancakes are a diabetics nightmare with more than 27 teaspoons of sugar. I’m choosing a wine that can stand up all that sweetness without being overshadowed: let’s go with a 1995 Kerpen Wehlener Sonnenuhr Riesling Beerenauslese which rolls in around $80.

9. Chili’s Chocolate Chip Paradise Pie with Vanilla Ice Cream - 1,600 calories -78 g fat - 215 g carbs - A giant piece of Chocolate Chip Pie, smothered in fudge, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream and more chocolate chips. A great way to end a meal while putting your pancreas on full alert! With dessert on the table, I’m going to go with one of my favorite dessert wines with Chocolate- Muscat. Why hold back? For the big budget, I’ll recommend the 2004 Alois Kracher Muscat Ottonel TBA #5 Zwischen den Seen ($73 / 375 mL) which is nothing short of an incredible wine. For the smaller budget, Bonny Doon offers a nice Muscat.

8. P.F. Chang’s Pork Lo Mein: 1,820 calories - 127 g fat - 95 g carbs - I’ll give P.F. Changs credit for their Lowfat/Healthy section on the menu, but you won’t find this dish anywhere near that list. The Pork Lo Mein, which is quite tasty, carries two days worth of fat layered into carbohydrate loaded noodles. I’m thinking a nice Pinot Noir would do well with this dish and will go with a 2002 Kistler Pinot Noir Sonoma Coast which is drinking very nicely right now!

7. Chili’s Honey Chipotle Crispers with Chipotle Sauce: 2,040 calories - 99 g fat - 240 g carbs - Normal chicken fingers are heavily battered and fried in hot oil…making them quite unhealthy. These are heavily battered with a very thick batter which makes sure they take up even more of the hot oil. An obvious choice here is a sparkling wine - I think a rose with ripe fruits would really go well with the Chipotle sauce. Let’s go with: Alain Soutiran NV Rose Grand Cru Brut Champange which I rated very high at 95 pts in October - and at $50 it’s an incredible value.

6. On the Border Dos XX Fish Tacos with Rice and Beans: 2,100 calories - 130 g fat - 169 g carbs - 4,750 mg sodium - This first appearance in the top 10 by an On The Border meal selection almost sounds like it should be healthy. I mean, fish, beans, rice? I’m thinking lean protein with a few good carbs - I’m thinking wrong! The spicy rice and beans require a wine to help with the heat, while the fish will do well with most white wines. Easy choice for me: Gewürztraminer. The 2004 Trimbach Gewurztraminer has just enough spice and the right balance to hold up to this dish and for $13, won’t be a load on your wallet!

5. Uno Chicago Grill Chicago Classic Deep Dish Pizza: 2,310 calories - 162 g fat - 123 g carbs - 4,470 mg sodium. Everyone loves a good pizza and we American’s typically love pie of the deep dish variety. There’s something about having extra crust to support the weight of multiple meats, cheeses and vegetables….who am I trying to kid…we don’t care about supporting more vegetables! Bring on extra meat and cheese. While you’re at bring your running shoes, cause a good stretch and around 5 hours of running is what it will take to burn off the 2300+ calories of this dish. The good news? Pizza is an easy wine paring! For this one, I’m going to have to go with a 2005 Marchesi di Barolo Barbera d’Alba Ruvei ($18) from Piemonte, Italy. The acidity and crispness will go great at cutting through all that fat!

4. Macaroni Grill Spaghetti and Meatballs with Meat Sauce: 2,430 calories - 128 g fat - 207 g carbs - 5,290 mg sodium - All I can say is that this isn’t your mom’s spaghetti! This mound of pasta comes in with a days worth of calories (for an active person!), twice a days worth of fat and carbohydrates, and enough sodium to challenge even the healthiest renal system. I’m going to pair this one with a 2003 Produttori Barbaresco which was very food friendly and a decent value. It should have enough acidity to match up with the meat sauce.

3. On the Border Stacked Border Nachos: 2,740 calories - 166 g fat - 191 g carbs - 5,280 mg sodium. Nachos might be the perfect food: take fried corn chips and dump on cheese, sour cream and any other topping you can get your hands on. They are fun to eat and great to share with friends as an appetizer. This wholesome helping of nacho’s by On the Border is no joke - with loads of cheese and meat and layers of a lot of other random things! I think a safe wine pairing here is the 2006 Mulderbosch Chenin Blanc Stellenbosch ($14) which I found to have a pretty interesting acidity, good minerality and a lot of flavors - a great combination for a spicy plate of nachos!

2. Chili’s Awesome Blossom: 2,710 calories - 203 g fat - 194 g carbs - 6,360 mg sodium. You have to love the American tradition of deep frying everything. From pickles to chicken wings, from snicker’s bars to, in this case, a giant onion, we will batter up and fry anything that is edible and we usually serve it with a dipping sauce. In the case of the Awesome Blossom, we even get a zesty dipping sauce! I must admit, onion rings are great. The frying process brings out the natural sugars in the onion while the battered crust provides a nice texture that gets our mouths watering. The best pairing I can come up with here is a Non-Vintage (NV) Champagne - I’d opt for the N.V. Heidsieck & Co. Monopole Champagne Blue Top Brut, which rolls in around $35 and would be quite refreshing and crisp with great citrus and yeast flavors.

1. Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing: 2,900 calories - 182 g fat -240 g carbs. A giant mound of fries, covered with a 1″ thick layer of bacon and cheese, served with ranch dressing (which itself contains almost 30 g of fat per serving) is a great way to start off any meal! The new classic wine pairing for this dish? 1961 Chateau Petrus - sure a bottle from a reputable source will be around $10,000 USD- but it’d be great with the cheese, I guess, and considering the early onset of heart disease that will likely follow eating these fries, you may as well enjoy one of the greatest wines ever made while you still have time!